The Confidence Problem That Isn’t
As a mid-career burnout coach, I talk to people every day who believe they lack confidence. Not only that they lack it, but also that “if only” they had enough, they could “do the thing” they’ve been dreaming about. This is not only true in career moves, but in life as a whole.
For starters, I would argue that “confidence” is used loosely to describe many things that truly don’t fit the definition in the first place. We’ve been led to believe that confidence is bravery, audacity, being the loudest one in the room, extroversion, and sometimes even arrogance. But confidence isn’t any of those things. According to Merriam-Webster, confidence is simply ‘a feeling or consciousness of one's powers’: a definition that highlights the internal nature of confidence, rather than its outward expressions.
Through that lens, confidence doesn’t have to be obvious to anyone around you. It’s an internal belief, or a kind of “knowing”. We’re just shown the really loud versions most often, and for anyone who doesn’t fit that “shape”, they’re left with the feeling that they’re missing it.
What I've found in folks who think they lack confidence is usually something else entirely. First, who are they? They are usually very humble, often kind, and grounded in a value-system that prizes authenticity. And very often, they can clearly articulate what they’re good at, what they’d rather not do, and are, in general, quite self-aware, reflective people. I’m always struck by how someone who is grounded in so many ways can believe they lack confidence. That’s not what they’re missing nine times out of ten.
What they’re looking for is permission to think and dream bigger without being told they’re being unrealistic. They need clarity about why it matters to them in the first place. And most importantly, they need a grounded understanding of what makes them tick. Their strengths and blind spots. Where they're likely to go off the rails. What's working and what they already know, deep down, isn’t. That's the North Star.
Most people aren't waiting for confidence, they're waiting for certainty. For a guarantee that they won't fail, look foolish, disappoint someone, or discover they're not as capable as they hoped. But confidence rarely comes first. More often, confidence is what grows after you've taken a few shaky steps and survived them. What that builds is self-trust. And in the world of mid-career burnout coaching, it has become evident to me that self-trust is the foundation of real confidence. In my own life, some of the moments that changed me most weren’t preceded with confidence. They were preceded by the realization that waiting wasn’t giving me more clarity; it was giving me more time to be afraid.
Waiting until you feel confident enough is a little like waiting until you're fit enough to go to the gym. Confidence isn't usually the prerequisite. It's the byproduct.
The people I know who are the most confident aren't the ones who never felt afraid. They're the ones who stopped treating fear as proof they weren't ready.
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Donna Snyder
Founder & Head Coach
merakicoachingservices.com