Unbent: Still a Spoon

Like many survivors of trauma – no matter the source or particular “flavor” of trauma– I’ve held various beliefs about what “healing” means. Most importantly, I once believed that you weren’t truly “healed” until you returned to who you were before the trauma occurred.

After three decades of therapy, counseling, workshops, and certifications,  I realized I wasn’t the same person I was before the trauma. I initially thought I was failing. But then, a realization changed everything.

A Lesson from My College Years

Let me share a story from my early college days. I was living barely above the poverty line, freshly “on my own”, with a fridge stocked with ketchup, coffee and a hunk of cheese. Full stop.

One day, my desk broke, and although my dad had given me a handful of tools, none of them worked as I tried to wrench out a stripped screw. Out of sheer desperation, I grabbed the only other tool I could think of: a spoon. I’m not sure how long I spent trying to pry that screw out of the crumbling particleboard, but I eventually did and managed to rig it back together well enough to use as a flat surface for homework again.

Part of the carnage was a mangled, majorly and unnaturally bent spoon. No matter how hard I tried (hey – it was one of a set of two!), I couldn’t bend it back to its original shape. I eventually gave up and let it just lie there awkwardly in the drawer with its partner, whom it would never quite look like again.

The Spoon Analogy

Here’s the thing:  People who’ve been traumatized, forced to bend into unnatural shapes, are a lot like that spoon. Not quite the same. Shaped a little differently. But still a spoon.

It doesn’t matter if that trauma occurred in childhood, adulthood, in a boardroom, at school, or on a battlefield. Trauma can be physical, spiritual, or emotional.

The myth that we can’t heal until we’re “as we were before” is just that: a myth. That spoon was still functional, even if it looked different. The same thing is true of you and me.

In fact, the very experiences that bent us out of shape can help us become stronger, braver, and more resilient. We gain knowledge and insights that we might never have acquired had we not bent in the first place. 

Embracing the Unbent Self

“Unbent” doesn’t mean perfect or unscarred. It signifies a return to something real – not a destruction, not being  “shattered”, and not “burned”. It’s about realignment, like a spine finding it’s natural curve and breath returning. It’s recognizing that while we may not bend the same way anymore, maybe we never should have. 

“Unbent” doesn’t mean going back to who you were; it means discovering who you can become once the pressure lifts. You might not “look” the same, but you carry unique beauty in places you were never expected to shine.

Anyone who has experienced trauma carries artifacts - traits they didn’t possess before. Some of these traits can hurt and still bleed. But others? Others are sharp as instinct, fine-tuned to energy, truth, safety, and even shadow. We often label them as symptoms, but perhaps they’re tools. They can help us rebuild, live authentically, love better, and see what others miss.

To unbend is not to erase what shaped us. It’s to say: This shape is mine now. And I know how to move in it.

*"Unbent: Still a Spoon" is just the beginning.

If this resonates with you, stay tuned: I'm creating something for people who have had to bend to survive and are ready to find their shape again. A new workshop is coming soon! Make sure to follow along by subscribing or connecting on LinkedIn.