Who Decides?

The other night, I made stuffing. In June. No Thanksgiving in sight, just a craving I decided to embrace. As I stood in the pantry berating myself for wanting stuffing this time of year, a thought struck me: if I only allow myself to enjoy one of my favorite foods on that single day each year, I might savor that delectable goodness only 20 or 30 more times in my life, if I’m lucky. Why should I limit myself?

This ties back to some earlier musings about wearing a concert tee with pearls or eating lasagna for breakfast. We impose so many small, meaningless restrictions on ourselves, and they are completely arbitrary.

Sometimes we create these rules ourselves; other times, they are thrust upon us by some vaguely assigned authority.

When my oldest son was a toddler, he would switch crayons between hands while coloring. No fanfare, no overthinking. It came naturally. Although he is still ambidextrous in many things, he was eventually forced to choose his right hand for writing. Why?

In other areas, that same gift is celebrated. The ability to throw or shoot a ball with either hand gets praise, yet writing or drawing with either hand is conditioned out of him.

So many actual gifts are treated this way: differences in thinking, processing information, and speaking. Natural rhythms do not fit into neat, made-up rules designed for someone else’s convenience.

Who was the "King of Anything" who decided that stuffing is just for Thanksgiving? Who declared you "should" write with your right hand? Or that you cannot stomp joyously in rain puddles after a certain age? Or that brilliance, so much like fire, should fit into a neatly confined box?

We condition ourselves and others to strip away what are truly gifts simply because someone, somewhere, said, "Let it be so." It is odd when you stop to think about it.

I am not talking about high-stakes stuff here. There are absolutely rules and norms designed to keep us safe and functioning that we need to uphold. But the things that strip away our differences, uniqueness, and individuality? Those feel designed to make us feel small, relentlessly questioning ourselves and sweating the small stuff; made to feel "less than" by whoever waved their scepter over the kingdom in the first place.

The Challenge of Change

In a recent coaching summit, we talked about two simple things that make change so hard: grief about leaving the status quo behind, and agency, or owning the responsibility for our own lives.

These two factors can be paralyzing, even when making small changes. Michael Bungay Stanier summarized it beautifully: "What are the prizes and what are the punishments of doing or not doing X?"

So, when you think about the impulses and desires that make you who you are, what is the prize and what is the punishment? That pile of stuffing I ate in June certainly held no punishment for me or anyone else, but it definitely felt like a prize.

I think I am done with arbitrary rules. I think I am done waiting for permission. And I believe I am not alone.

Let’s Talk

Want to explore the "rules" that might be holding you back? Let’s chat. I love working with people who are ready to live and lead with more clarity, freedom, and heart.

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